Ways to handle the many demands of caring for both children and aging parents.

Transcription

1 The Sandwich Generation Overview Ways to handle the many demands of caring for both children and aging parents. Feeling pulled in so many directions Navigating work and family Handling finances Sharing the load Time for yourself Respite care Support groups Today more adults than ever take care of both their children and their parents. These adults are known as "the sandwich generation," because their needs often become caught, or sandwiched, between those of an older and younger generation. Members of the sandwich generation are typically between 35 and 60 years old. They frequently struggle to balance the many needs of their children and aging parents at a time when they are also busy working and planning their own futures. Feeling pulled in so many directions If you belong to the sandwich generation, you may feel pulled in many directions. Your mother has to go to the doctor just when your child comes down with the flu. You may feel strapped for money just when your parents need help from you financially. Your father who lives out of town needs you to stay with him after a hip operation -- but your son has his college interview that week and you hate to miss it. Who gets priority? How can you be everywhere at once? It's normal to feel exhausted and overloaded when you are being pulled in so many directions. It can feel like you never have time for yourself. Feeling torn means that you are trying to do the right thing for your parents and your children, and that's not easy to do. It often means neglecting your own needs. Navigating work and family Working, raising children, often maintaining an important relationship, and caring for an older relative is a lot of responsibility to handle. If you work late or travel for work, you may feel you're neglecting the needs of your parent or your child. When you're trying to handle so many responsibilities at once, you may sometimes feel you aren't doing anything well. Here are some ways to balance work and family responsibilities: Try to find ways to share caregiving tasks. If you are part of a couple, maybe you could handle a child's illness that arises during the workday while your partner responds to an older parent's medical crisis. If you have another relative who can help, see if that person can take over the caregiving duties when you need to work late or when you have a family commitment. If you have caregiving responsibilities for an older adult, tell your manager. Don't let yourself fall behind on important projects in the hope that you will catch up when a parent's condition improves.

2 Your manager might want to assign some jobs temporarily to someone else. Find out if your company offers options that might ease your caregiving tasks. Contact the program that provided this publication for help and resources. Ask your employer about flextime, telecommuting or working at home, and benefit plans that might cover elder care costs if these would help. Explore the possibility of family leave for emergencies. Handling finances Caring for two generations can cause financial strain. Soaring medical bills and a spiraling cost of living have made many older adults more dependent on their children. Even a well-off parent can become financially dependent after a long illness. If you are helping to support an older relative, you may be able to claim him or her as a dependent on your tax return. Talk with an accountant or tax adviser about your options and to find out what the income requirements are. Sharing the load You'll feel less stressed and have more time for yourself if you share caregiving responsibilities with other family members. Here are some ways to share the load: Talk as a family about your relative's needs and agree that everyone has to help. Draw up a list of tasks that need to be done. Then ask family members what tasks they could handle -- if not regularly, at least occasionally. Make sure everyone knows who is responsible for what. People living out-of-town might be able to provide support in other ways. They may be able to take over during vacations, handle tasks that can be done over the phone, or provide extra financial support. If you have taken on most of the caregiving responsibilities in the family, let others know that you can't do everything yourself. In some families the task of caring for an aging relative simply falls to the person regarded by others as the most "responsible" or "dependable" or the person who lives the closest. Let people know that you need help from everyone. Find ways for your children and your parent to spend time together. Look for activities that you can enjoy together as a family -- movies, ball games, day trips, playing board games, cards, coloring, and looking at old photos, for example. You'll have more time for yourself if you don't have to plan separate activities for each person or group. Time for yourself Trying to balance several roles can lead to burnout and wear down your patience. It's important to take care of and to make more time for yourself. If you are not in optimum health (physically, emotionally, or both) it's difficult to take care of anyone else. Always make a list of the things you need to do. This will help you avoid the stress of knowing that something needs to be done, but not remembering what it is. Leave some free time for yourself every day. Even if it's only 15 minutes at the end of the day for a hot bath or a cup of tea, it's important to leave some "down time" for yourself every day. Try not to cram too many things into one day or one weekend. Pace yourself. Spend time with friends. Don't feel guilty if you take a few hours to spend time with a friend. Taking

3 time off can help to restore the energy and sense of humor you need to do all your jobs well. It can also give you the emotional distance you need to see your roles in a clearer perspective. Make time for things you enjoy. Have you given up reading because you're always taking your parents to the doctor or your children to soccer games? Join a book group or listen to tape-recorded books in the car on the way to work. If you skip exercising because you never have time to get to the gym, see if you can arrange with a neighbor or co-worker to take a 20-minute walk three times a week after breakfast or on your lunch hour. Respite care If you need more help than you can get from friends and family, look into respite care services. There are three main kinds of respite care: In-home care, where a friend, relative, volunteer, or an aide from an agency comes into the home to care for your relative. You may be able to find in-home care by asking friends, neighbors, hospitals, nursing homes, or your relative's doctor. The work-study program of a local college may be able to match you with a student who is interested in working with older people. Or, use the SNAPforSeniors "Home Healthcare Options" database available on our Web site. (Just go to "Featured Tools" in the right-hand navigation bar, and then select "Elder Care Resources.") This easy-to-use online tool lets you search by Zip code for the type of in-home health care you need, such as "skilled nursing care," "home health aide," or "physical therapy." Always check references before allowing anyone into your home to care for your relative. Adult day care or adult day services (ADS) programs let older people share supervised activities with others. They can also give you a break from caregiving tasks by allowing you to place your relative in a safe and stimulating environment for one to five days a week. Visit the site for National Adult Day Services Association at to learn more about what the programs may involve. To find out about services near you, get in touch with your local Agency on Agency, which you can find through the local links page on the National Association of Area Agencies on Aging at Temporary care in a facility that provides around-the-clock care for a set period. Many care facilities and nursing homes offer short-term respite care. These facilities usually have minimum and maximum periods of time that an older person can stay, and they may have other requirements about residents' health or physical abilities. This kind of care can be especially helpful if your relative has physical or emotional needs that friends and relatives might find hard to deal with in your absence. You can find places that provide short-term care through the respite care locator tool on the site for the ARCH National Respite Network at Locator.html. For more information on what may be available in your relative's community, search the database on the site for the Administration on Aging's Eldercare Locator at or call its toll-free number, Support groups Sometimes it's hard to talk about your concerns with your family, because your family is your concern. Support groups let you get together with people in a similar situation. Often these are just informal groups

4 of people who meet regularly to talk about a shared concern. Here are some ways to find a group: Get in touch with organizations that offer programs on aging. Call a local community center, adulteducation program, or YMCA or YWCA. These organizations may offer programs or courses on aging that are designed to provide both information and support. You might also join an online group, such as the Family Caregiver Alliance's Online Caregiver Support Group ( and share ideas with other caregivers by , Consider joining a support group for people with a particular concern. Some groups focus on families of older adults with specific conditions, such as cancer or diabetes. You can find these groups by calling local nursing homes and assisted living facilities, by searching online, or by getting in touch with national organizations that focus on the illness that concerns you. For example, you can search by Zip code for the nearest support group for caregivers of people with Alzheimer's disease through the online database on the site for the Alzheimer's Association at Try to get your spouse or partner to go to support group meetings with you occasionally. He or she will have a better understanding of what you are going through. Caring for the needs of two generations, while challenging, is beneficial for the whole family. You are strengthening bonds with older relatives when they need you most, and teaching your children valuable lessons in what it means to be a family.

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